She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
