It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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