Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
