i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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