If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
