In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am one with the molecules
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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