I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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