So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
