I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
