i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
