We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
