found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
