If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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