Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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