If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I touched a dick in church today
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
