Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
