It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
