we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
