I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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