I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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