I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
