I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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