Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
