so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
