i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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