I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
