Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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