Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
is this the sara with the beer cane?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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