It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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