I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
