i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
