i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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