There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just cropdusted the office
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
