My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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