I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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