You were right. It hurts to walk today.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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