I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
