Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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