I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
