It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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