I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You may now shotgun with the bride
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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