it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
