My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
