too bad you live with your parents still
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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