i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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