im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
