so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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