I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
