I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
