I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
